I look better un-naked...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
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