I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
