Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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