Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
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