i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Randomize
