I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
