If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
