I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
