i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
