I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
it wasn't lemon gatorade
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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