My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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