her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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