So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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