You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
