He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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