i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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