so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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