he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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