Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
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My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
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Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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