My first STD was from a foam party
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
