sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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