Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize