My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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