I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
