Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
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He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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