I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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