you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
