I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
