I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
