I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
