Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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