Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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