Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize
