I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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