My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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