I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I love having hate sex.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
