His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
