it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
