Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
