i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
