I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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