my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
