It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
