I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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