I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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