if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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