the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
