textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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