We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
