When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
