broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
