Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
