we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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