Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
